Favourite satire headlines

Been looking through the ol’ archives and collected together a few of my favourite comedy headlines I’ve pitched and written over the last few years.

A Letter to the Four Jars of Moldy Salsa Found at the Back of My Fridge

Self-Sustaining Sentient Playground That Absorbs Human Children for Nutrients Wins Design Award

Two Wrongs Don’t Make a Right—Unless It’s How We Combined Komodo Dragons and Scorpions, Because Those Things Are Fucking Wicked

Mobility Walkers Needed! Help Disgraced Male Moguls Appear Sympathetic And Earn Big $$$

Behold, My Take! For I am a Take-Master and Provide Only the Takiest Takes Ever Took By a Taker

Dow Closes, Will Reopen But Only 3 Stocks Allowed in at Same Time

Investor Always Craves Junk Bonds At Night

I Re-Watched “The Road” and Damn If It Isn’t the Lighthearted Romp We All Need Right Now

Photo by Guillaume Meurice on Pexels.com

Let’s face it: 2020 has been a real kick in the sphincter. 

We all know the reasons why. Listing them off one-by-one not only would be a difficult, strenuous task due to the cavalcade of calamities and catastrophes, it would likely be akin to water torture, where a single drop of water hits our forehead over and over and over thereby rendering us even more weary, broken and scared/scarred for life.

It’s been a time.

So, what better way to lighten the 2020 mood than a re-watch of everybody’s favourite feel good tale, the-2009-John-Hillcoat-directed-film-adaption-of-Cormac-McCarthy’s-classic-laugh-fest-novel, “The Road.”

Am I right?

The movie that literally put “the road” in road movie. 

You remember it, don’t you? Viggo Mortensen and Kodi Smit-McPhee star as a father and son on a madcap romp across a lovely, though slightly cold, stark and barren, landscape as they outwit and outlast a series of sneaks, rogues, thieves, murderers, marauders, road bandits and general ne’er-do-wells and it’s a gutbustin’ riot, let me tell you. And it all ends on a beach! Fun, right? And then on that beach the father dies after getting shot with an arrow or something like that and Guy Pearce shows up to help the kid and he might be a good guy, maybe not, haha, whatever, it’s cool. You know how you can have so much fun watching a movie that the plot doesn’t really matter because it’s spiriting you away, higher and higher, into the atmosphere of light and joy? And how you can laugh so much you run out of laughs, leaving you worn out with sheer elation?

Well, look no farther than the source material for why this film is so easy, breezy, hilarious and heartwarming. With a sunny scribe like Mr. McCarthy at work, a writer whose effervescent prose practically twists and twirls off the page with passion and joie de vivre, there was no way the film couldn’t follow suit. But that’s not to say that either book or film lacks substance. No, far from it. In fact, the great achievement of this film may be it proving the point that even a blockbuster, a so-called “popcorn film,” one that’s fun for the whole family, can still reveal something about ourselves and our lives and show us a kinder, better side of humanity in a more just and comprehensible world than we’re experiencing today. 

I mean, this movie screams “good time” and I do mean scream. As in screaming, “Run!” and “Hide!” and “Watch out for the cannibals!” Oh, those kooky cannibals. Such hijinx. 

So, if, like me, “The Road” puts you in the mood for more equally inspiring fare in order to fight the real horrors of 2020 with some by-comparison sunshine, unicorns and rainbows, why not try other such lighthearted hits as “Seven,” “Dancer in the Dark,” “Requiem for a Dream,” “Monster,” “Leaving Las Vegas,” “Old Yeller,” “The Elephant Man” or “Revolutionary Road.”

I doubt you’ll be disappointed. 

Dr. Marc Siegel’s Rough Draft of Potential Questions for President Trump During His Upcoming Fox News Interview and Medical Examination

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Are you President Trump, the smartest, most handsome and virile President that ever Presidented?

As background, would you say you’re a stable genius or an anchored genius?

What is three times six divided by two plus five? You have 14 seconds to answer. 

Of these three fingers I’m holding up, how many do you see?

As I tap on your knee, can you tell me where I’m tapping? 

Are you as aware and keen-sighted as an eagle or an owl?

Do you feel as fit as a fiddle or a 35-year-old decathlete?

Would you say your diet is (a) amazing (b) great (c) terrific or (d) probably the best diet anyone’s ever eaten ever?

On a scale of 1-10, where 1 is “Fantastic” and 10 is “Unbelievably Great,” how is your stool?

Was having Covid not as bad as having the flu or easier than having the flu?

Did you almost die in the hospital?

Would you describe taking Regeneron like drinking an elixir of the Gods or drinking from the fountain of youth and are you now, in fact, immortal?

Do you have stocks in Regeneron Pharmaceuticals and, if so, would you give me some?

Did you cure anyone else at the hospital just by looking at them because you’re now a superhero and, if so, would you be in the Avengers or the Justice League?

Thanks to Covid, what could you lift higher: a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

Also thanks to Covid, who could you beat faster in arm wrestling: Former President Obama or three Sleepy Joes?

How capable are you to govern this country right now: like two Abraham Lincolns or four Ronald Reagans?

Does Fox News validate parking?